As I write this I imagine myself in a few months looking out my window at the dancing lights, flitting in and out of the ferns. I smile as I think about it, knowing what I see isnt exactly how my head makes it out to be. What I see are Faeries. What other people see are lighting-bugs. I guess I’m just weird like that. Where someone would see just a thunder storm on the horizon, I would see Zeus and Thor duking it out. At the sound of a coming storm I hear not the sounds of a storm but that of a battle of giants. What I choose to read is considered fiction by some, real by myself. I see things in the darkness and see myself in other lands created in my head. If someone sees me sitting outside listening to music chances are I’m in a world of Faeries, glorious battles, and fierce monsters. Not like a lot of other people. Its not that these people lack imagination, far from it. This world is full of wonderful people with wonderful creativity. Its just I think differently. Where people see something practical I see the impractical. I still believe in magic, and Santa, and all those “childish” things. I still think there are Fairies and Knights-in-Shining-Armor. I still believe in rescuing princesses. Its not that I’m a sexist, chauvinist, or any number of labels that are new and not accurate. Its just that I think differently. When people look at me they see a guy trapped in a fantasy world. I beg to differ. I look at the people around me as more than just ordinary people. I believe the best in everyone not because I’m in denial but because I know their potential. They can be Knights and Ladies if they choose. Opening a door for someone, or saying a kind word. Thats all it takes. People dont think that type of thing is noticed by anyone. I notice. I look for it. It makes my day. I choose to look at this world through the eyes of a child. Is that immature? Heh, maybe. However, not a day goes by without me being amazed at what is happening around me. Nothing ever gets stale. New people, new conversations, new ideas, new information. Its a wondrous, magical, world we live in. I love looking at the world through the eyes of a child. People can scoff, and I will continue to grow up, but I will always be a child at heart.
Yeah, so this one is kind of personal…dont diss it. I do these “dear God” things from time to time. I’m weird. Proud of it. 🙂 Here goes nothing.
Dear God, Here is a poem for You. I hope you like it.
Walking through everyday
Wondering when she will be
Made apparent to me
I want to know her so badly
I want to be her Knight
I desire intimacy with her
Oh, God why must I wait?
Why must I languish?
I lift my eyes to You
And ask again
Why must I wait?
You look tenderly upon me
And say Because I am still preparing the way
I will not give you second best
So I suggest you rest
In the work I do
I nod but doubt still clings
He smiles and whispers
I know you
I made you
To do what I do best
Love my children and I give them the best
I will not give her to thee
Until the time is right
You are my son, she my daughter
I will not lose sight of either of you
And you will live to see your wedding day
I know this does not take away the pain
But do know that I care, and I love you
And I am proud of you, you are my son
I will take care of you
And I will take care of her
To trust Me is all I ask
To have faith in Me
That is all I require
Abide and it will be given
I listen heart renewed
By the promises of my Lord
He knows me and loves me
He is proud of me and calls me son
That is all I need
That is all I ever need.
Praise be to God
The Lord of the Heavenly host!
The earth is filled with His Glory!
I am amazed at you
And I will adore you
I love you Lord.
Thank you for everything
I dont really know what to say. I know I cant take your pain away. I cant take away that knot in your chest. All I hope is that I can write something that gives you hope. You know that there is hope, right? I dont care who you are, what youve done, what you look like and what you think you look like, there is someone for you. Dont. Give. Up. I know youve heard these things spoken before. Its been hammered into our heads, but it doesnt make it any easier when those feelings come back. I should know. I get lonely a lot. I’m lonely right now. I have just got done with hanging with my friends and I have to admit, it hurts. It hurts to see people you like to hang out with slowly slip away because theyre in a relationship. It makes you resentful and makes you long for a relationship as well. Its not easy, far from it. Dont think I dont know how you feel. I’m a nerd. I’m not ashamed to say it. I’m glad that I’m a nerd. I am freindzoned most of the time by the girls I like. I know you guys can relate, whether youre the jock or the nerd, its happened to us all. Loneliness is a strong emotion and….Ah, what am I sayin? Look, I’m tired of this feeling. I know you are too. I would give a rousing speech and tell you to go find the girl of your dreams, to talk to that girl that you like. However, I know you wont do it. I know you wont, because youre like me. Youre scared, and that is O.K. Read my lips: Ooh kay. Just because youre afraid doesnt mean youre not a man. Its acting through that fear that makes you a man. I gaurantee that if you ask that girl out, guys, she will respect the heck outta you. It may hurt, but dont let that girl slip away. I believe I have made that mistake, in my wallowing of self-pity I seem to have let a very good friend, and a potential date might I add, get farther and farther away from me. I distanced myself out of fear….and the girls in our lives dont deserve that. I know I’m a Romanticist, I know that I am a dreamer. I have high ideals, and I am mostly mocked and kicked in the face by reality…But if its one thing I’ve learned in this life, its that the girls, even our mothers and sisters, deserve better than YOU and I. They deserve the best of us. Thats why hiding in the corner, hoping to one day have that girl fall into your lap is not an option. Simply because if it does, you wont be ready for her and not even deserving to look at her, much less call her your own. It really boils down to this one simple question: what am I willing to risk? I’m willing to risk a heck of a lot. Its high time that I do my best to make the lives of the girls around me a little better. If thats all I can do, then so be it. I am willing to go the distance.
So, the question remains: What are YOU willing to risk?
Until we meet again,
I look back over my short, short time here on this earth and I see how stupid I have been. I laugh at how idiotic I have been, trying to find something. Ever since I was a child I have been looking for something, and I am still looking for it…or well, I was. I have found it. What is it, you ask? To be honest I dont really have a clue either. Its a fire in my soul, taking me to places I thought I’d never see again. Places where my unholy mind fears to tread. To the very feet of the Almighty God. I’ve always wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself…I always thought that that something bigger meant I would have to perform. That I would somehow have to save the world. However I am not a superhero. I am nobody. I am a weak human standing between heaven and hell, and I am caught in the crossfire. Both sides are calling to me. Both promising a reward. The evil calls with smiles of lewd women and other enticing things. They look so rewarding, so fulfilling. The good calls me to forget myself, to let go of all of my ambitions, my dreams, my life, and lay it down at the feet og the King. I would be lying if I told you that it is an easy choice. I would also be lying if I told you that giving up everything for the Cause of the King is not worth all the pain, the suffering, the ridicule, and the hardships that come with it. I am not the Hero, and I am not going to pretend to be. I, Chris, am not important. I, Chris, am not the end goal. I, Chris, am not the sole reason this universe keeps spinning. If thats the truth, then why am I not living like it? Its because I am lazy, and want the easy way out. So I choose to listen to that part of me that lures me into the dark. There I am consumed. I am weakened, and I am defeated. But even in the darkness there is a light. I will call upon the name of my God and He will dispel the darkness. I will lose everything, and gain it all. I will die, and yet I will live. I will be His, and He will be mine. I, Chris, am the Son of the One True King. Darkness has no hold over me, and death cannot defeat me. I pledge to defend the weak, do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with the God who gives me my next breath. I am the difference. I am the odd man out. I am the one with his back up against the wall. I am the sheep among the wolves, and I. WILL. NOT. BACK. DOWN!! Whether here, in the U.S. or over seas, I will tell others about God and I will show people who He is. Anyone who reads this, hold me DOUBLY accountable. Look at my life, and let me know if I am doing wrong. I make this pledge, and on my honor, I will uphold Gods laws and do His Will. This is what I am fighting for. The Call has beckoned me, and I have answered. Not for fame, not for riches, not for a promise, but because I love Him who sent me. If anyone wants to join me, then by all means come with me! I cant do this alone. I need companions. Doctors, lawyers, scientists, burger-flippers, electricians, factory workers, fathers, sons, daughters, mothers, friends, all are needed in Gods army. We do not come with kind words and fleeting emotions, we come with a sword! To free the prisoners and protect those that cannot protect themselves. This is what I am fighting for!
Will you join me?
“There sure are a lot of them out there.” I thought as I scanned the horizon. I had been camped on this hill for days now, just waiting for them to attack. There were now thirty or more figures upon the field below. I went back to eating my breakfast, hard tack and gruel again.
“What I wouldn’t give for some meat,” I muttered into my bowl. I had ran out of my meat supplies long ago. I had also used the last of my water to make the gruel. Things weren’t looking good, if I couldn’t fight my way out of this mess then I would die of thirst. I had to face them, today. I trembled at the thought of actually facing the things I had run from so long. Their faces loomed in my mind. Faces I knew quite well. I looked back up at the silhouettes on the flat plain. I started to notice that the grass down there looked different than up near where I was. The grass had taken on a grayish tint, like that of bones. The wind blew and the sound coming out of the plain sounded like the wind whistling through a graveyard at midnight…NOT GOOD. I shook my head and quietly lamented my fate. These things had caught up to me at last. All of my running, all of my scheming and all of my worrying were for naught. I had been running from day one, I realized. My parents had been running as well. So naturally I followed them in their never ending quest of running. I had met many people in my journeys who had been running from much the same things I was. I turned my gaze to the overcast sky above me, the only color of sky I had ever known. I had heard once, in my childhood, of a blue sky but I think whoever told it to me was lying. Suddenly, a crazy thought popped into my head.
“Is this it? Is this all that there is? Running? Maybe death isn’t so bad after all,” I thought as I slowly stood up, setting my bowl on the ground as I did so. I carefully put on my armor and my sword, making sure everything was in place. I thought about why I was being so meticulous. I was ready to die, I didn’t want to live anymore, and yet something told me I needed to be careful, that I needed to have that armor just right. I put out the fire. As I was about to head down to face my fate, I noticed a sound that I had never heard before. It was the babbling of a brook. I walked maybe a few yards from my campsite and there, bubbling out of the very rock, was a natural spring. I quickly went over and drank, dipping my hand in and drinking with my eyes towards the encampment, which was just visible around the hillside. This water was amazing! As I took one last sip of it, I got up fully satisfied. This was weird, as I usually drink a lot before coming away anywhere near satisfied. I walked back to my campsite and grabbed my shield, which in my haste to die forgot to grab the first time. The shield shimmered in the sunlight, a red cross, the symbol that had started this endless quest, was on it. The figures down below must have seen the reflection of the shield, because they had readied their weapons, and were waiting. This was it, it was either win or die. I highly doubted I would win, and I knew that either way, I would die. I wouldn’t be the same person I was when I first sat upon that hill. I took off down the hill. My blood was pumping in my ears, for the first time, I knew why men for centuries had reveled in the rush of a battle. I was going to do my best, and may what comes be for the best! As I ran the grass under my feet crunched, and the smell of burnt things filled my nostrils. These were my demons, and this was the fight that I had been waiting to live for. Things were about to get interesting. The demons all rushed me at one time; the smell of sulfur was heavy on the air. I blocked a strike to the head with my shield, batted another swipe away with my sword. I ran head long into the fray, knocking a few of the demons over. I was soon surrounded. I was being bombarded with blows from every side. As I barely was able to block them all, I quickly moved into a better defensible position. As I did as blow struck me on the head from behind. A blinding flash of pain ran up my spine and I fell to my knees, barely remaining conscious. Then the beating began. Seeing that their prey had been injured to the point of unconsciousness the beasts began to poke at me with their spears and swords, beating me with their weapon pommels and taunting me with their mocking words. Failure, defeat, adulterer, liar, thief, murderer all battered my ears. As I knelt there my thoughts, strangely enough went to my father on his deathbed. He had stopped running for years now, and he always told me that though he was not ever truly rid of his demons, he knew his Captain, the Captain of the Most High God was with him. He had accepted the invitation to work for the King, as this God was also called, years ago and he had stopped running and began fighting.
I remembered his last words “When all hope has faded, look up and call upon the name of God to save you, my son, and he will…just like he saved me.” I was sorry to remember that at the time I thought he was stark raving mad…. but now, as I knelt there, beaten, bruised and battered, I suddenly remembered the words.
I looked up, much to my attackers’ surprise, and said, plainly and loudly, “Master and architect of Life itself, the God of my Father, I have doubted you exist, and I have blasphemed your name. Please save me from my plight, as only you can. Not because of what I’ve done but because of what you promised to do, through the words of my father.” As soon as the words were out of my mouth, the demons closed in. They began to scream blasphemies at me, to beat me even more furiously. I knelt resolute, I would die with God’s name on my lips if need be. I bowed my head, feeling my life slowly ebbing away, when suddenly I felt a strong presence in front of me. I felt a hand on my shoulder, and a blinding wave of heat, light, and healing came surging through me. I opened my eyes and stood up. There before me stood the Captain. He was in blood red armor, with a white sword glowing red hot with tongues of fire licking off it.
The Captain smiled and looked at the demons, who had stepped back a few feet in horror. “You ready to take these guys on?” he asked in a deep, firm, but kind voice.
I smiled and said, “Yes sir, I believe I’m ready now,” The Captain nodded and without a word, cut at the nearest demon. I looked down at my sword, which suddenly too, followed his lead and attacked the demons with a fervor they had never seen. As we swept through their ranks I realized that the more demons we killed the weirder I felt. Every time a demon was vanquished it felt like my soul, my very body was on fire and then it felt like a small weight was lifted from my shoulders. Soon there was none left. I looked at my Captain, shining in all of His Glory and fell at his feet, praising him and the One who sent him. He lifted me to my feet and smiled.
“You are now a Knight of the Kingdom of the Most High, and an adopted Brother of the Light.” he said. I shook my head and looked away.
“But why me? I don’t deserve any of this. I deserved to die.” I said softly.
The Captain took me by the shoulders and said just as softly, “Because from the first day, He has wanted you to be the best you can be, and He has wanted you to be one of His own. That’s why I am here. I am here to take you to see Him. He has a Job for you to do.” He let his hands fall from my shoulders as a slowly turned to look at the demons bodies, slowly fading away in the…
“Sunlight?! What the?!” I looked up and for the first time saw a blue sky. I looked in amazement at the Captain and he laughed at me, and patted me on the back.
“Sir, I just thought of something,” I said as the Captain also looked at the bodies of the demons “I know demons don’t die as easily as that, so will they come back?” I asked.
The Captains eyes looked at me with a small hint of sadness, like a longing to take a burden off a friend, “Yes, my Brother,” he said eventually, “they will come back, though not nearly as strong, and you have grown even stronger today than most men do in a lifetime.” He smiled. “Now, “he said “Lets head Home.” He began to walk away from the scene of the carnage. I looked back over the field, my Valley of Death, and then forward to the sun lit field. I could see blue mountains in the distance, a fair green country spread before me.
I smiled and said softly “Home… I like the sound of that” and ran to catch up to my Captain, who has been with me ever since.
Yeah I know, you hear a lot about Jesus this one day out of the year. Probably more than you do on any normal Sunday at least. There is always a lot of hype for this time of year, from Holy week, to Easter, to bunnies and eggs. Its easy to forget that we need to be Christians the rest of the year as well. I see many people my age lifting their hands on Sunday, and acting like they dont even know me the next day at school. I see no one handing out gospel tracts, and I know we have a BCM on my campus. I’m not much better. I am very intimidated by other people. I just hate making things awkward. However, its not for me to care about what they say about me. I am not the man I once was. I cant hold this news in. I cant watch people edge closer to Hell and not tell them about it. The scientific community can scoff all it wants, we will see who is laughing when we are standing before the Throne. Its my job to make sure they’ve at least heard and seen the Gospel, and thats it. I’m not supposed to come up with this fancy sermon, or be eloquent. I am just supposed to tell it. Sure there is a time for being eloquent, but in day to day conversation even just a “hey, what do you think about Christians?” can lead to a good conversation. Its easier than it sounds, I know, but trust me when I say that its sooooooo worth it! Its a privilege and an honor to be Gods emissary to the world. The only way to make this easy is to start not to care what people think, and its a hard process, but you will eventually care less about the world and more about God. I know what some of you are thinking, “Is there a better or easier way Chris?” Believe me, if there was I would have found it by now. The only way to do anything is to trust God and go past your comfort zone. Its just simple, and hard. Kind of a contradiction, huh? Dont be fooled by what people tell you. You MUST tell people about the Gospel, dont believe that living a good life is good enough…because it’s not. Yes, live your life like Christ and TELL PEOPLE ABOUT HIM. Christ didnt just “live a good life” He died so we could HAVE life, and life abundant! Dont waste it! Believe me, this is as much of a pep talk to me as it is to you. I so easily fall back into my easy routine and hide in my safe bubble. When I do step outside of that bubble and follow God however, is when my life takes a turn for the best. The whole purpose for this post is simply this: Dont think that you can act one way on Sunday and another on Monday. People will notice, and then they will dislike you. The will call you a hypocrite and then walk away. Its not a good feeling, believe me. Go out and try to at least talk to someone about religion and their views on it. If you listen and follow God lead, he can and will use you. He will open doors you never thought would be open. Anyway, this post is getting way to long. I hope to post more often but who knows…ok so one Person knows, but He doesnt count!
Until we meet again,
Hey all! Its been a while since I wrote anything on here! I simply wanted to give an update and also give you a poem that I’ve done recently.
So for the past few months I had been pretty sure I was going to go to Wales to do a summer mission with youth over there. However God had other plans. I got an email from my church’s mission ministry one day. It said that I owed $595 for a plane ticket. What had happened was that I had earlier decided to go to my college ministry’s spring break mission trip. It was in Honduras and I thought it would be fun. However I decided after ward that I didnt want to go. I did not tell the right people that I decided not to go and they had already bought my ticket. As I saw my hopes for going to Wales flutter out the window I had two options, either pay just the $595 or go on this trip. I thank God that I decided to go. We left the Friday before Spring break and got back the next Friday. While there we ministered to the people of Guimaca, Campamento, San Marco, and many other smaller villages with fresh water, shoe shining services, and programs proclaiming the Gospel. It was a unique experience. Its is hard to think of things to say when you have to use a translator to tell people about Jesus, but I loved doing it! We did soooooo many good things, but I know that to my team the good things that we did didnt matter. It wasnt about how many good things we could do, it was about God and what He did. We had some people accept Christ during the week along with that we planted and watered many seeds in the souls of the people that we met. It encouraged me and made me see that without getting out of our comfort zone we cant be truly joyful. My College pastor, Sky, had this awesome quote and I dont know where exactly it comes from but its ” Your life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” It was so true that week for me. I remember one night just about jumping out of my skin because of how excited I was to hear everyones stories from the day and for what God would do the next day. Needless to say we were all exhausted by the end of the week and I am still trying to recover and really digest all that had happened. I’m very thankful that God gave me this opportunity to go and see what He is doing in Honduras.
Here is the poem: Glory to God
Glory to God
Praise be to Him
who set the universe spinning
to Him who is above all
to the one true God, Yaweh, Jehova
my Lord and and King
Please help your servant
he is tired, tired of fighting
renew him, as you did Elijah
help him to see
that Youre his Strong Tower
his Protection from the onslaught
help him to see that Youre his all in all
Lord of the heart
please help him be in tune
with Your Heart
Like David the king
a man after Your own Heart
give him faith, like that of Abraham
give him courage, for he is weak
give him courage like your Son’s
the courage to die for all
but most of all Lord
give him Grace
like the grace you extend to us all
this is my prayer Lord
for my brothers and I
please help us love others and You
like You have loved us
Your wayward sons